I can't marry you
By Mona de Crinis
Bottomline May 2004

I can't marry you..."It's a sad statement in general and an even sadder commentary on American society in a nation that prides itself on equal rights and justice for all, but apparently not when it comes to the right for gays and lesbians to marry each other. That's why Catherine Gray decided to make a film that speaks on this controversial and surprisingly volatile issue. In the documentary," I Can't Marry You", Betty DeGeneres (Yes, that's Ellen's mom) narrates as the true-life stories of twenty gay and lesbian couples that have been in long-term relationships unfolds, detailing the insurmountable obstacles they encounter as a result of being denied their civil rights.

The film will be screened at Camelot Theaters on April 22 as part of a fundraiser for the Desert Pride Center. The goal of the fundraiser is to raise money to help fund the educational process on the topic of gay marriage as well as funds for the Center. A portion of the funds will go toward sending copies of the film to every member of the U.S. Congress and Senate, as well as to purchase national TV airtime to educate larger audiences. In addition to the film, the event will have opening comments from comedian Danny Williams honoring all lesbian and gay couples in the audience and featuring selected valley couples that have been in relationships of 10 to 55 years. There will also be a post-film Q&A session with Gray.

Gray sees educating the public about long-term gay relationships and the legal protections bestowed by marriage as the key to winning the war of the roses.

"What I found was that people in my own community didn't really realize how this impacts them," Gray says. "Therefore, they weren't fighting that hard for it. So it was time to educate both gay and non-gay people on this issue - about the 1,049 benefits and rights provided by marriage and how it impacts them not to have those rights.

"Bush's [constitutional] amendment would be the first time ever that an amendment would be made to change the Constitution to discriminate against a certain sector of people," Gray continues. "And that's huge. That's why it's so important to educate people on this because otherwise it could get swept under the carpet like the Defense of Marriage Act."

Gray credits her family for igniting the spark to create I Can't Marry You. "I actually made this with my own parents in mind, who grew up in a kind of bigoted background. I tried to make it something that they could digest and wrap their hands around. That's what I was going for."

What began as a grassroots campaign traveling around the country to screen the documentary at film festivals and fundraisers is quickly picking up steam and garnering a great deal of attention, largely because, states Gray, there really isn't anything out there educating people.

"Our first goal was to go to gay and lesbian centers and educate gay people," she says. "And then at the fundraisers we encourage people to leave with a copy of the tape to show other family and friends - because we're trying to get it out there to as many people as possible."

From this grassroots level she hopes to reach a national level through PBS, already committed to airing the documentary in different markets during June Pride month.

"We're anticipating having a large distribution through PBS because it's the only documentary out there right now on this topic and they want to have the programming to address this hot issue," says Gray. "I think I did it in such a way that it's something that can air on PBS; it's very tasteful and delicate. I specifically kept it from being about sex because I feel that the media, most of the time: makes our Lifestyle all about sex. That's a small part of it just as it is for heterosexuals.

The film, explains Gray, is about love and commitment and everyday life and families. "There's so much more depth to who we are and that's what I tried to show in the film the depth of our relationships," she says, "Things that we don't' see too much on television or in the media."

Gray is resolute in her goal of depicting the gay and lesbian community as more than
people having a good time at a gay pride parade. "That's a very small part of our culture," she declares. "Ninety-five percent of our people don't even attend those parades, they're just everyday people: doctors, lawyers, postal workers... whatever. That's what I tried to do in the film, have a diverse group of people that really replicated what our community looks like young, old, all different ethnicities; all different parts of the country; small town, big city... and that's what our goal was to accomplish - put a face to this issue."
When Gray started this project the gay marriage issue wasn't making daily headlines in the press. She had been working for a start up gay cable network and had an idea for this 24/7 network, a series about long-term gay and lesbian couples and how they made it without being married. What was their secret?

Although the gay network hadn't gotten off the ground, Gray continued with her project.
"I thought, really, it is amazing that these people are in these long-term relationships and they're not even married 'And it just kind of culminated into the realization that I CAN'T be married. It just seemed so absurd to me, and I thought, you know what... this is going to change. We need to put together something to show why it needs to change and kind of get the balI rolling. And that's what I was thinking. I wanted to start educating people on why this needs to change." By the time Gray finished the film, it was indeed headline news. "I'm really blessed with that timing," she admits, Gray's process of alerting the couples featured in the documentary involved everything from circulating press releases to gay and lesbian media to Internet notices to word of mouth. "Some of them I sought, like through Lambda Legal, the New Jersey couple suing the state, and the gentleman who lost his partner in 9/11."

Gray acknowledges that this was an emotional project. "When I interviewed that gentleman about adopting a foster child and he got all choked up and said it was the happiest day of his life... believe me, I was the one interviewing him and I was just as choked up. We stopped the camera after that question and both kind of consoled each other.
Sitting out talking to these people eye to eye touched me in every way; it's the same as you see in the film. The film really is my perspective of those interviews"
Gray says she spent approximately 30 plus hours conducting interviews and then extracted what she felt were the most poignant or impactful parts. "I tried to put into one hour that which captured what I experienced in those interviews," Another element of" I Can't Marry You" that Gray says she hopes will educate people about gay and lesbian families is the focus on children of gay parents. "There's this thought that gay parents can't be good parents" she says.
"So I wanted to get the real deal; the child's perspective. Young children, older children like that little boy Ryan who says "having two moms is the same as having a mom and a dad, except you just have two moms and you Iove them just as much." I mean, what's more honest than the words of a seven year old?
When asked how Betty DeGeneres became involved in the project, Gray quips, "Well, as I was telling the audience at a recent film festival, I was dating Ellen and.... Actually I went to an HRC Human Rights Campaign event while I was working for a gay cable network. She [Betty] was very enthusiastic about there being a gay cable network, so we got to know each other while I was affiliated with that network. And when I started to work on this project, it just seemed to me that people thought of Betty as kind of the "mom of the gay community". I thought what an ideal person to talk about this topic of marriage, so I approached her about it and she just jumped right in and said, absolutely, she'd be happy to narrate the film on this topic. She has always been very enthusiastic and supportive about being an activist in every arena"
Interestingly enough, Gray says that it's usually the straight festivals that pick her up because they think the film talks to heterosexuals, "But the funny thing is that when I'm at a straight festival, it's all gay people who come, almost 80 percent, she observes. "And they all love the film. Maybe it's because they're glad that something's showing them in a good light"

$1O and $100 vary according to seating and special gift offerings. Tickets are on available at the Desert Pride Center on a limited basis, a pre-film wine and hors d'oeuvre reception is planned at 6:30 pm on the second level reception area of the Camelot Theatres (2300 Bansto Road) to honor local gay and lesbian couples in long-term relationships.

Tickets for the reception are $10 or complimentary for $100 ticket holders. For more information or to order tickets call 760.327.2313. The Desert Pride Center is located at 611 S. PaIm Canyon in Palm Springs

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